Monday, November 14, 2016

No More Calls, We Have A Winner! : Friday, June 20th, 1969

CHI 6, MON 0  W-Holtzman 6-4 L-Robertson 5-6

STL 3, NY 0  W-Carlton 10-3 L-McAndrew 3-10

PHI 7, PIT 4  W-Jackson 7-6 L-Bunning 5-6  S-Wilson(7)  HR-Clemente(8) Callison(12) Hisle(5)

ATL 6, SF 1  W-Reed 6-4 L-Marichal 6-6  HR-H.Aaron 3(21)  H.Aaron 4 rbi.

CIN 4, LA 1  W-Culver 5-1 L- Osteen 6-3  S-Granger(5)  HR-Rose(17)

SD 3, HOU 1  W-J.Niekro 6-3 L-Dierker 5-7 

HOU 8, SD 1  W-Griffin 3-8 L-Podres 1-2  HR-Wynn(9) Torres(1)

"Strive for my award, mortals!"
Having seen his most talented pitcher lose to the lowly Padres in the opener of a doubleheader at the Dome, 'Stros skipper Harry "The Hat" Walker may have lost contact with reality a little bit. Who could blame him? As he came down to the 8th spot on his line-up card for the nightcap, his hand holding the pencil trembled and a giddy laugh was heard. Grinning like a demented gargoyle, Harry wrote "Torres, ss". He then had to be wheeled away strapped down to a gurney. Mr. Torres had gone 0-for-7 for the season and had not started a single game all year. He made an out his first trip against mummified geezer Johnny Podres, so when he stepped up the next time, no one expected what would happen...

No, Hector! Don't bunt....swing for the fence!
Podres, a former second-tier star for the Brooklyn Dodgers, now finds himself superannuated and playing out the string with the expansion Pods. Called upon by skipper Gomez to make the spot start, Johnny was led out to the mound using his walker with the little tennis balls on it. The night nurse placed the old cowhide in his hand and pointed him at home plate. "You get extra Jello if you get a few outs," he was told, and then left to toss the old sphere. When "Hammerin" Hector Torres stepped in the second time, with two men on base, nobody expected that he would uncoil and explode, driving the ball far into the Houston night, to disappear into the stands! A three-run jack for Torres! 

Cos he's a winner, and everybody knows it, too!
The mighty blow ended what is always the most exciting part of any season replay. No, not the pennat race. Not the All-Star game. The deciding of the Paul Schaal Award winner, given annually to the last position player, on a roster from opening day, to get a hit. With Torres's Ruthian blast, the award goes to....Billy Grabarkewitz of the Dodgers, at 0-for-8! Contacted in his hospital bed, where he has spent the entire month of June, Grabby burbled on about how pleased he was to have won the prestigious Schaal award for ineptitude. 

Better throw him in the pool, cos he's burning up!
In the comparative dreariness of other action, Hank Aaron continued to smash the ball, hitting three home runs against the Giants in a battle for first place in the west. The three dingers gave Hank 11 in June, 21 for the season, and 5 in his last two games. Amazing. All three came on 66's. 

There were other games but in the excitement, no one cares. Finally, the fossilized Mr. Podres was seen still wandering around the Astrodome late that night, asking what had happened, and complaining that one of the young Pods infielders had stolen his stool softener and traded it for a Ferrari on the black market. Go to bed, Johnny.
Yay!!!! What happened?


stevemryan said...

The suspense is over. Also, how many players have their an initial instead of their first name while simultaneously causing children across the nation to cry when their name comes up in the weekly spelling bee. The prudent choice would have been to use the initial for his Billy G's last name.

William Sagle said...

You might have known it would happen on the day of a Super Moon: the mummified geezer's reaction to the excess of night light and gravitational pull on his aged physique was too much for him. There are not many days - or haven't been that Hector Torres (or anyone named Hector) stole the headlines from Hammerin' Hank.

I am still peeved at Dave "Effin" Watkins!

hedgewitch said...

This is WAY too funny.