Sunday, May 14, 2017

Steve Huntz Goes Yard, Pigs Fly, World Ends : Monday, September 1st, 1969


PIT 4, ATL 1  W-Dal Canton 7-6 L-Upshaw 6-8  S-Gibbon(11)  HR-Stargell(23)

CHI 11, CIN 5  W-Selma 9-13 L-Culver 8-8  HR-Williams(16) Rose(21)

STL 13, HOU 1  W-Briles 12-12 L-Wilson 10-12  HR-Javier(9) Huntz(1)  Torre and Javier 4 rbi each.

LA 10, NY 3  W-Osteen 15-8 L-McAndrew 10-12  Sizemore 4 rbi.

PHI 3, SD 1  W-Fryman 8-13 L-Santorini 5-21  S-Wilson(11)  HR-Briggs(11)

SF 18, MON 10  W-Herbel 5-2 L-Stoneman 4-15  HR-Jones(15)  Jones 4 rbi, Hunt and McCovey 4 runs each, Henderson 4 rbi, Giants 22 hits.

He can hardly lift it!
Imagine the embarrassment, itching and discomfort that Houston fans felt when they watched puny Cardinals' reserve shortstop Steve Huntz go yard as part of a 13-1 thumping against the home team. The only Astro run was driven in by hurler Don "Candygram" Wilson, who unfortunately didn't pitch as well as he hit. Meanwhile, St. Louie second sacker Julian Javier is on some kind of crazy hot streak. "I'm Hack Wilson!" he screamed as he took the field. Leave those greenies in the trainer's room, Julian.

"Hi! My name is Willie Davis!"
Aping their Anaheim neighbors, the Dodgers have had their moniker officially changed from "Los Angeles Dodgers" to "%$#@ Dodgers!" I very rarely do not enjoy a game of APBA, but this team is grating so bad against my last nerve that I am about ready to toss the whole envelope off the freeway overpass. Every game lately, they score in the bottom of the first, within a few batters, and always the same way. By the 4th they have built a big lead and coast to victory without even the chance that they might drop one. Single, double, single, walk, steal, single single, triple, game over. This team was last in the NL in steals before they reacquired Maury "I Leave You Nothing In My" Wills. Naturally *he* steals bases, but, upon seeing this, Willie Davis suddenly thinks he's Vince Coleman. Both of them steal a base every single game, it's nuts. And their luck, it's off the charts. My elephant gun picks off backstop Tom Haller, so in comes .176-hitting Jeff "Burger Chef & Jeff" Torborg, who goes 3 for 4 with a run and 2 rbi.  All this while dotty old Walter Alston drools in a corner, playing Old Maid with "Jim" -- a water bucket with a face painted on the side, a gift from his grateful team. 

Success drove him mad.
In an all-important clash of basement-dwellers, the Phillies polished off the Friars with help from homer-hitting Johnny Briggs. "Name Detroit's stadium after me!" he demanded insanely, but it wasn't to be. Still, a win is a win is a win, though you could have fooled Friar hurler Al "Losing Pitcher" Santorini, who turned in a quality start but lost as usual anyway. "What's a quality start?" he wanted to know.  

Now warming up to Frank Linzy in the bullpen....
Finally, Bob "Bolin For Dollars" Bolin was hit harder and more often than a pinata, but the Giants pasted Expo pitching so badly that it didn't matter, and the Jints stayed tied with the %$#@ Dodgers at the top of the west. It was a merry-go-round of Giants base runners who amassed 18 runs on 22 hits. However, their own chuckers were almost as ineffective, and closer Frank Linzy finally had to be summoned to notch the final two outs. "What's a closer?" he wanted to know. Ask Karen Carpenter, Frank. Just like me, she wants to be....oh never mind.  

Music to watch the SF offense by:


Unknown said...

Too funny...the part about Karen Carpenter was hilarious!

ARAIG Giants said...

Well done as usual. Quality read. Go Giants!

William Sagle said...

Hack Wilson refuses to acknowledge that he is Julian Javier.